Sustainability in relationships begins with balance. If you are practicing Shamanism, or are an empath, chances are relationships might not be so straight-forward and easy for you.
Modern-day relationships have become more complex, and we are inundated with tons of articles and messages on how to behave with others. Don't blame other people, don't have expectations, etc.. and this is all well and good as long as you aren't denying how you feel.
I'll use an example from the Friendiverse.
She moved to the next town, basically..not far in terms of actually physical distance but just far enough that it would require some planning in order for us to see each other. She then had children, became a single mother, and had an insane work schedule. She had a pattern of feeling a lack of support and would express this when we did connect, but would rarely return phone calls or messages. As months would go by, she then would end up feeling guilty about it and start avoiding me and her other close friends, and twisting the love into "people making demands" of her. There was an imbalance here. She was not willing to put in as she felt she didn't have the energy. She expected the friendship to continue without her being called to contribute anything in terms of any communication. This went on for years.
Me, on the other hand, I'm on the polar opposite of the spectrum. I'm very fortunate that I can be extremely flexible in my schedule. I work from home, and I have no children or dependants, other than my animals. My pattern is something else.…over-giving, always available. I was always there for people, even if they don't show up for me. This is just as bad as consistently dropping the ball on people. I continued to hold space for people when they were in crisis or needing support with some personal issue or business problem, and even as I was giving them support, I'd get whisperings when there was a glaring imbalance in the relationship. I still didn't say anything. I would listen and forget about it…. until the next time I reached out…. and all I'd hear was crickets. I had turned myself into a bit of a doormat for others to just come around and use at their leisure, and I felt rejected, used, frustrated, and very unlovable.
So how to unravel this pattern? Does this sound familiar to you? Are you exhausted and non-responsive, or are you over-giving and feeling let down?
We have to be honest in relationships, and understand that if we don't speak up about our needs, or if we lie, that those precious friendships will suffer and possibly cease to move forward. In these accelerated times, we use texting and social media instead of listening to the nuances in our beloved's voice, and we have become more and more de-humanized in our interactions. All this technology shields us from being real and present with each other sometimes. Have you noticed this somewhere in your relationships?
We are also responsible for our own happiness, and if unhappiness in your relationships is on repeat.... well?
The longer we wait to "cultivate" the love in our lives, the harder it will be when we arrive to our bright future and find ourselves doing it alone. If you are being swung in either extreme direction with these common patterns, then listen to your heart on this and create some boundaries that will work for you and will keep you in harmony with the people in your life. A very wise woman-friend explained relationships to me like this:
Those boundaries will be like a fertile garden bed, and the friendships that are meant to thrive will transplant well into this new way of being, of giving and receiving, through deep love and support, learning from each other. Some will get a bit shocked and will need some extra love and care, and some will not survive. ( ..and here I am not suggesting that you just toss people away like an old apple. Give it a go first!)
It's okay to let go if you've put in effort and there is no fruit.
Let those ones that want to leave compost naturally, and don't fight the process… release them with Love.
As Shaman-Women it's so important to heal our own patterns and become the healers we are meant to become. Do it with truth, love, and intention to heal the patterns with compassion and self-forgiveness. Love is here.